She Loves You

 

She Loves You

(She Loves You)

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You think you've lost your mind Well, she saw you yesterday I really think you’re fine And she told me what to say She says she loves you And you know it’s not the pills Yes, she loves you And you know you’ve got the chills She said you’re just like her She almost lost her mind But now she says she knows It wasn’t hard to find She says she loves you And you know it’s not the pills Yes, she loves you And you know you’ve got the chills, ooh She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills You know it's up to you I think it's only fair Age can hurt you, too Apologize to her Because she loves you And you know it’s not the pills Yes, she loves you And you know you’ve got the chills, ooh She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'll Get You (Some Depends)

(I'll Get You in The End)

Oh yeah, oh yeah Oh yeah, oh yeah I don’t know what is wrong with you Oh Yes, you’ve pooped your pants Now I know what is wrong with you I didn’t, didn’t, didn’t stand a chance Now you’re leaking from your end So I'll get you, I'll get you some Depends Yes, I will, I'll get you some Depends Oh yeah, oh yeah I think about you night and day Your pants and all their poo When I think about you, I can say You’re in deep, yeah deep, doo doo So I'm telling you, my friend That I'll get you, I'll get you some Depends Yes, I will, I'll get you some Depends Oh yeah, oh yeah Well, there's gonna be a time When the smell from your behind Is going to be as unkind as it can be Oh, yeah I don’t know what is wrong with you Oh yes, you’ve pooped your pants Now I know what is wrong with you I didn’t, didn’t, didn’t stand a chance Now you’re leaking from your end So I'll get you, I'll get you some Depends Yes, I will, I'll get you some Depends Oh yeah, oh yeah Oh yeah, oh yeah Oh yeah, oh yeah  

False Teeth Blues

  

False Teeth Blues

(From Me to You)

Da da da, da da dumb dumb da Da da da, da da dumb dumb da There's so much that I want So much that I wanna chew But my teeth have dropped out, so I’m singing my song Of dentures and false teeth blues I've got everything that I want And you know I still can’t chew But my teeth have dropped out, so I’m singing my song Of dentures and false teeth blues I've got teeth that long to chew you And keep you all inside I've got a mouth to swallow you That keeps me satisfied (oh) There's so much that I want So much that I wanna chew But my teeth have dropped out, so I’m singing my song Of dentures and false teeth blues False teeth blues But my teeth have dropped out, so I’m singing my song Of dentures and false teeth blues I've got teeth that long to chew you And keep you all inside I've got a mouth to swallow you That keeps me satisfied (oh) There's so much that I want So much that I wanna chew But my teeth have dropped out, so I’m singing my song Of dentures and false teeth blues Blues Blues Blues

Cranky Girl

(Thank You Girl)

Oh, oh, when you reach a certain age You make me sad And keep me blue And eventually you'll start To lose your cool And all you’re gonna be Is a cranky girl, a cranky girl I could tell the world A thing or two how you’re rough I know a little pill That you take would keep you tough And all you’re gonna be Is a cranky girl, a cranky girl Cranky girl you’re mad at me And mad at the world (mad at the world) That's the kind of spirit That happens to be churled And all you’re gonna be Is a cranky girl, cranky girl Oh, oh, when you reach a certain age You make me sad And keep me blue And eventually you'll start To lose your cool And all you’re gonna be Is a cranky girl, a cranky girl Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh

Please Freeze Me

  

Please Freeze Me

(Please Please Me)

Last night as I was going out of my head I thought, pretty soon I’m gonna be dead .. Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Please, freeze me, whoa yeah, ‘til there’s a cure You know I’m living here with cancer I pray one day there’ll be an answer Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Please, freeze me, whoa, yeah, ‘til there’s a cure You know what I’m contemplating But I need refrigerating for me (just for me) I’ll do all the freezing with you It's so hard to reason with you Whoa, yeah, i need to make me blue? I was put in a graveyard under flowers ‘Cause the refrigerator ran out of power, girl Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Come on (come on) Please, freeze me, whoa, yeah, ‘til there’s a cure Whoa yeah, ‘til there’s a cure Whoa yeah, ‘til there’s a cure

Ask Me Why (‘Cause I can’t remember)

(Ask Me Why)

I love you because you tell me everything I need to remember. Now my mind once a blazing fire is now a smouldering ember. Ask me why I’ll say I love you Though I’m not sure I’m thinking of you Will never, never, never know you I know you’re mine and my happiness still makes me cry And in time I think you’ll understand the reason why If I cry it’s not because I’m sad It’s because I’ve forgotten the only love I had I can’t believe it’s happened to me I can’t conceive of any more misery Ask me why I’ll say I love you Though I’m not sure I’m thinking of you I love you because you tell me everything I need to remember Now my mind once a blazing fire is now a smouldering ember. And I know that I,I,I,I Will never, never, never know you Ask me why I’ll say I love you Though I’m not sure I’m thinking of you I can’t believe it’s happened to me I can’t conceive of any more misery Ask me why I’ll say I love you Though I’m not sure I’m thinking of you

Help Me Chew

  

Help Me Chew

(Love Me Do)

Please help me do You know I can’t chew I can only eat stew So please Help me do Whoa, help me do Please help me do You know I can’t chew I can only eat stew So please Help me do Whoa, help me do Dentures I’d love, especially new Dentures I’d love, to help me chew Please help me do You know I can’t chew I can only eat stew So please Help me do Whoa, help me do Please help me do You know I can’t chew I can only eat stew So please Help me do Whoa, help me do Whoa-oh, help me chew Yeah, help me do

P.S. It's Gruel

(PS I Love You)

In this Seniors home from a Dickensian tale All we seem to get is soup that’s thin and pale Sometimes made on oatmeal add some salt to taste It’s really just a floured paste P.S. it’s gruel, gruel, gruel, gruel I wanna come home to you son Until the day I do son P.S, it’s gruel, gruel, gruel In this Seniors home from a Dickensian tale All we seem to get is soup that’s thin and pale Sometimes made on oatmeal add some salt to taste It’s really just a floured paste P.S. it’s gruel, gruel, gruel, gruel In this Seniors home (oh) From a Dickensian tale (Dickensian tale) All we seem to get is soup (yeah) That’s thin and pale I wanna come home to you son Until the day I do son P.S, it’s gruel, gruel, gruel Gruel, gruel, gruel It’s gruel

Tragical History Tour

  

Tragical History Tour

Tragical History Tour

(Magical Mystery Tour)

Roll up roll up for the History Tour Roll up roll up for the History Tour Roll up That's an invitation Roll up for the History Tour Roll up To make a reservation Roll up for the History Tour The Tragical History Tour Is waiting to take you away Waiting to take you away Roll up Roll up for the History Tour Roll up Roll up for the History Tour Roll up They reminisce in all your deeds Roll up for the History Tour Roll up Satisfaction guaranteed Roll up for the History Tour The Tragical History Tour is hoping to take you away Hoping to take you away The History Tour Ah The Tragical History Tour Roll up Roll up for the History Tour Roll up That's an invitation Roll up for the History Tour Roll up To make a reservation Roll up for the History Tour The Tragical History Tour Is coming to take you away Coming to take you away The Tragical History Tour Is dying to take you away Dying to take you away Take you today

Your Grandmother Should Know

(Your Mother Should Know)

Let's all get up and go to the home It’s where your grandmother roams Every year on that second Sunday in May On Mother’s Day-ay (your grandmother knows) On Mother’s Day-ay Sing it again Let's all get up and go to the home Its where your grandmother roams Every year on that second Sunday in May On Mother’s Day-ay (your grandmother knows) On Mother’s Day-ay Lift up your hearts and fill up that room With flowers and chrysanthemum blooms Though she was born a long, long time ago Your grandmother knows (your grandmother knows) Your grandmother knows Your grandmother knows (your grandmother knows) Your grandmother knows Sing it again Da da dada da da da dada dada dada da da Da dada da da Though she was born a long, long time ago Your grandmother knows (your grandmother knows) Your grandmother knows Your grandmother knows (your grandmother knows) Your grandmother knows, your grandmother knows (your grandmother knows) Your grandmother knows, yeah

I Took The Wrong Drugs

(I Am The Walrus)

I take drugs to help me sleep, to sleep deep And keep me altogether See how I zoom right out of my room To get my meds I'm crying Eating up my corn flakes Waiting for the pills to work Good morning nursey, stupid bloody Tuesday Man you've been a naughty boy You let your face grow long I am the egg man They are the egg men I took the wrong drugs Goo goo g'joob See all the little pills sitting Pretty little pills all in a row All the same colour and shape, style and size, they’re confusing I'm crying, I'm crying I'm crying, I'm crying Yellow matter custard Dripping from a dead dog's eye I took hallucinogens instead of diazepam Now, I’m having strange and weird and vivid dreams I am the egg man They are the egg men I took the wrong drugs Goo goo g'joob Sitting in an English garden Waiting for the sun If the sun don't come you get a tan From standing in the English rain I am the egg man (now good sir) They are the egg men (a poor man, made tame to fortune's blows) I took the wrong drugs Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob (good pity) Health experts tell those choking smokers, Don't let Phillip Morris laugh at you. See how they lie. Like politicians lie, See how they lie. They're lying. Semolina flour, sitting on the pantry shelf. Underneath a cockroach singing Hare Krsna. Man, you should’ve heard me sing "get it outta here" I am the egg man They are the egg men I took the wrong drugs Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob Goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo g'joob, goo Joob, joob, jooba Jooba, jooba, jooba Joob, jooba Joob, jooba Umpa, umpa, stick it up your jumper (jooba, jooba) Umpa, umpa, stick it up your jumper Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa) Everybody's got one (stick it up your jumper) Everybody's got one (umpa, umpa)

The Drool On The Chin

(The Fool On The Hill)

Day after day, he’s lonely still The man with the foolish grin is taking his pills But nobody wants to know him, they can see that it's just drool And he never gives an answer But the drool on his chin keeps on running down While the eyes in his head can’t see the world spinning around Well on the way, drool coming down The man hears a thousand voices talking perfectly loud But nobody ever hears him or the sound he appears to make And he never seems to notice But the drool on his chin keeps on running down While the eyes in his head cant see the world spinning 'round And nobody seems to like him, and he never wants to wipe it And he never shows his feelings But the drool on his chin keeps on running down While the eyes in his head can’t see the world spinning 'round (oh oh oh) 'Round and 'round and 'round and 'round and 'round And he never listens to them, he knows that it’s just drool They don't like him The drool on his chin keeps on running down While the eyes in his head can’t see the world spinning 'round Oh ('round and 'round and 'round and 'round) Oh

I've Lost My Way

(Blue Jay Way)

There's a fog upon my brain And I seem to have lost their way It’ll be over soon the voices said Now I’ve almost lost my head Please don't be long Please don't you be very long Please don't be long Or I may be asleep Well, it only goes to show That you don’t know where to go If you forget to take your pills You’ll never cure your ills Please don't be long (don't be long) Please don't you be very long (don't be long) Please don't be long Or I may be asleep Now it's past my bed I know And I'd really like to go I’ve been sitting up all night And things just ain’t right Please don't be long (don't be long) Please don't you be very long (don't be long) Please don't be long Or I may be asleep Please don't be long Please don't you be very long Please don't be long Please don't be long Please don't you be very long Please don't be long Please don't be long Please don't you be very long Please don't be long Don't be long, don't be long Don't be long, don't be long Don't be long, don't be long Don't be long

No Hair Man

  

No Hair Man

No Hair Man

(Nowhere Man)

He's a real no hair man Ashley and Martin now in his plans Blaming all his no hair tans on everybody Only has a hair or two Knows not where it’s going to Look into the mirror and see No hair man please listen You don't know how much you’re missing No hair man, you can always use a spray can He's as bald as he can be In his scalp, reflection you’re gonna see No hair man, I can see it all No hair man don't worry Take your time, don't hurry Leave it all 'til somebody else Lends you a can Ah, la, la, la, la Only has a hair or two Knows not where it’s going to Look into the mirror and see No hair man please listen You don't know how much you’re missing No hair man, you can always use a spray can Ah, la, la, la, la He's a real no hair man Ashley and Martin now in his plans Blaming all his no hair tans on everybody Blaming all his no hair tans on everybody Blaming all his no hair tans on everybody

Granny You Can't Drive Your Car

(Baby, You Can Drive My Car)

Asked my Granny if she’d give up her car She said, “Darling I don’t drive it too far So give me the keys and don’t be so mean And I can drive like I’m twenty-three" Granny, you can’t drive your car Don’t you know how old you are Granny, you can’t drive your car But Granny you want to Asked my Granny if she understood And she said, “Darling it’s not very good Hiding my car key is all very fine But I can drive like in younger times" Granny, you can’t drive your car Don’t you know how old you are Granny, you can’t drive your car But Granny you want to (Beep, beep, beep, beep yeah!) Granny, you can’t drive your car Don’t you know how old you are Granny, you can’t drive your car But Granny you want to I told my Granny that she’d have to stay And she said, "Listen darling I got something to say I got my car and it's breaking my heart So please give me my key so I can start" Granny, you can’t drive your car Don’t you know how old you are Granny, you can’t drive your car But Granny you want to (Beep, beep, beep, beep yeah!) (Beep, beep, beep, beep yeah!) (Beep, beep, beep, beep yeah!) (Beep, beep, beep, beep yeah!)

I Fell

(Michelle)

I fell, knee swells And now my body is hurting like hell How I fell I fell, knee swells Et Mon corps me fait mal comment l'enfer Mal comment l'enfer It’s no use, it’s no use, it’s no use I just can’t find a way I guess I’ll have to stay Without my cane or frame You know I just can’t stand I fell, knee swells Et Mon corps me fait mal comment l'enfer Mal comment l'enfer I need to, I need to, I need to I need to make you see I’ve got a bungled up knee At my age, my injury is worse than it seems At eighty-two I’m eighty-two, I’m eighty-two, I’m eighty-two I think you know by now Can’t stand up no how Without my cane, I guess I just won’t be able to stand I fell, knee swells Et Mon corps me fait mal comment l'enfer Mal comment l'enfer Without my cane or frame You know I just can’t stand How I fell

Don't You Feed Me

(You Won't See Me)

Since you fed me up You know I’ve been enraged You say only mush I get at my age And now its dinner time Solid food's hard to find Think I will lose my mind So don’t you feed me (don't you feed me) Don't you feed me (Don't you feed me) Time after time I refuse to even listen Since I saw that mush MY appetite went missing I ain’t No fool I don't want that gruel And don’t be so cruel So don’t you feed me (don't you feed me) Don't you feed me (don't you feed me) Time after time You refuse to even listen Since i saw that mush My appetite went missing Though the days are few They're filled with tears And since I lost you It feels like years Yes, it seems so long Since my appetite been gone And I just can't go on So don’t you feed me (don’t you feed me) Don’t you feed me (don’t you feed me) Time after time You refuse to even listen Since I saw that mush My appetite went missing Though the days are few They're filled with tears And since I lost you It feels like years Yes, it seems so long Since my appetite been gone And I just can't go on So don’t you feed me (don’t you feed me) Don’t you feed me (don’t you feed me

Menopause

 

Menopause

Menopause

(Yesterday)

Menopause, I’m getting hot and flushed without a cause,

Don’t know why, I guess it’s just because , A result of menopause Suddenly, I'm not half the woman I used to be Sweaty skin drops off of me me Oh, menopause came suddenly I take estrogen, progesterone, who would’ve guessed Confusion all the time, now I pine for PMS Menopause, My bitchy moods would sway without a pause I guess it’s just one of nature’s laws All a part of menopause I take estrogen, progesterone, who would’ve guessed Confusion all the time, now I pine for PMS Menopause, My bitchy moods would sway without a pause I guess it’s just one of nature’s laws All a part of menopause Mm mm mm mm mm.

Act Eighty-three

(Act Naturally)

I’m gonna stay out all night long I’m gonna have too much wine and song They say I’m just a man that's sad and lonely And I really should just act eighty-three Well, I'll bet you I'm gonna be a big man Might win a heart, you can never tell A young girl’s gonna make me a big man 'Cause I can court her heart so well Well, I hope that I can keep up with my Sweetie And you know that they will plainly see The biggest fool that ever played around some And I really should just act eighty-three They say I’m just a man that's sad and lonely And beggin' down upon my bended knee I'll screw the part and it will need replacing I really should’ve acted eighty-three Well, I'll bet you I'm gonna be a big man Might win a heart, you can never tell A young girl’s gonna make me a big man 'Cause I can court her heart so well Well, I hope that I can keep up with my Sweetie And you know that they will plainly see The biggest fool that ever played around some And I really should just act eighty-three

I Don't Like That Mush

(You Like Me Too Much)

Though I’ve woken up this morning it came as a surprise At my age there's no next time I may never again to rise I’m in a nursing home, you know it's true 'Cause I don’t like their mush and it’s just gruel I've tried before to leave here But I don’t remember how To walk out would leave me lonely Which is what I am right now I’m in a nursing home, you know it's true 'Cause I don’t like their mush and it’s just gruel It’s not stew I’m so old you know believe me If you leave me I can’t follow you and bring You back where you belong 'Cause I find it hard to stand up If I have to stand too long I’m in a nursing home, you know it's true 'Cause I don’t like their mush and it’s just gruel 'Cause I don’t like their mush and it’s just gruel It’s not stew I’m so old you know believe me If you leave me I can’t follow you and bring You back where you belong 'Cause I find it hard to stand up If I have to stand too long I’m in a nursing home, you know it's true 'Cause I don’t like their mush and it’s just gruel 'Cause I don’t like their mush and it’s just gruel

It's Only Mush

(It's Only Love)

I’m just so hungry when every night goes by, my oh my Just the thoughts and my inside just flies, butterflies Why am I subjected to this gruel It's only mush and that is all And it’s really only gruel It's only mush and that is all Do they take me for a fool Is it right that the food is such a fright, every night? Just the sight of gruel makes makes my face, white, very white Haven't I got the right to have real food It's only mush and that is all And it’s really only gruel It's only mush and that is all But do they take me for a fool Yes, they take me for a fool 

Simple fool 

Feables Million Sellers

  

Feables Million Sellers

She Loves You

(She Loves You)

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You think you've lost your mind Well, she saw you yesterday I really think you’re fine And she told me what to say She says she loves you And you know it’s not the pills Yes, she loves you And you know you’ve got the chills She said you’re just like her She almost lost her mind But now she says she knows It wasn’t hard to find She says she loves you And you know it’s not the pills Yes, she loves you And you know you’ve got the chills, ooh She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills You know it's up to you I think it's only fair Age can hurt you, too Apologize to her Because she loves you And you know it’s not the pills Yes, she loves you And you know you’ve got the chills, ooh She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills With a love that ills You know you’ve got the chills Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I Need To Wash My Pants

(I Want To Hold Your Hand)

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you somethin' I think you'll understand When I say that somethin' I need to wash my pants I need to wash my pants I need to wash my pants Oh, I had an accident On account of my implant And because of this incident I’ll need to wash my pants I’ll need to wash my pants I need to wash my pants And when I touch you I feel crappy inside It's such a feelin' that my love I can't hide I can't hide I can't hide Yeah, they’re filled with somethin' I think you understand When I say that somethin' I need to wash my pants I need to wash my pants I need to wash my pants And when I touch you I feel crappy inside It's such a feelin' that my love I can't hide I can't hide I can't hide Yeah, they’re filled with somethin' I think you understand When I say that somethin' I need to wash my pants I need to wash my pants I need to wash my pants

Just Buy Me Drugs

(Can't Buy Me Love)

Just buy me drugs, oh Drugs, oh Just buy me drugs, oh There are certain things I need my friend To get me through the night So get me the things I need my friend That'll make me sleep alright 'Cause I will give you lots of money Money to buy me drugs I'll give you all I've got to keep Just to get a valium or two But if you really want to sleep Then melatonin ought to do I will give you lots of money Money to buy me drugs Just buy me drugs, oh Seroquel or Risperidone Just buy me drugs, oh Prozac and Buscapone Everyone knows I like the things To help me sleep tonight Toking on lots of pills makes me sing But yet I don't know why I will give you lots of money Money to buy me drugs Just buy me drugs, oh Seroquel or Risperidone Just buy me drugs, oh Prozac and Buscapone Everyone knows I like the things To help me sleep tonight Toking on lots of pills makes me sing But yet I don't know why I will give you lots of money Money to buy me drugs Just buy me drugs, oh Drugs, oh Just buy me drugs, oh, oh

And I'm Ninety-nine

(I Feel Fine)

Nurse's good to me, you know She's happy as can be, you know She said so She gives me lots of drugs and I’m ninety-nine Nurse says she's mine, you know She tells me all the time, you know She said so She gives me lots of drugs and I’m ninety-nine I'm so glad that she's my little nurse (ooh-ooh) She's so glad she's saying that it’s terse (ooh-ooh) That she gives me lots of drugs, you know Like benzodiazepine , you know She said so She gives me lots of drugs and I am ninety-nine Nurse says she's mine, you know She tells me all the time, you know She said so She gives me lots of drugs and I’m 7ninety-nine I'm so glad that she's my little nurse (ooh-ooh) She's so glad she's saying that it’s terse (ooh-ooh) That she gives me lots of drugs, you know Like benzodiazepine , you know She said so She gives me lots of drugs and I am ninety-nine She gives me lots of drugs and I am ninety-nine

Feables Foe Sale No. 2

  

Feables For Sale No.2

I'll Swallow The Fun

(I'll Follow The Sun)

At eighty-three

And my life is gone Don’t care about any others I’ll just swallow the fun Some day you'll know I was the one But everyday it rains So I'll swallow the fun And now the time has come And so, my love, I must go And though I lose a friend In the end, you will know, oh At eighty-three And my life is gone Don’t care about any others I’ll just swallow the fun Yeah, everyday it rains So I'll swallow the fun And now the time has come And so, my love, I must go And though I lose a friend In the end, you will know, oh At eighty-three And my life is gone Don’t care about any others I’ll just swallow the fun

My Voice Cracked

(Baby's In Black)

Your voice will crack and you’ll get the blues There’s not much that you can do I remember when My voice started to crack And though I don’t want it back My voice started to crack Oh dear, what can you do? Your voice will crack and you’ll get the blues There’s not much that you can do I think of you You’ll grow hair on your chin And you’ll start to get thin Acne on your skin Oh how long will it take 'Til you see the mess puberty has made? Dear, what can you do? Your voice will crack and you’ll get the blues There’s not much that you can do Oh how long will it take 'Til you see the mess puberty has made? Dear, what can you do? Your voice will crack and you’ll get the blues There’s not much that you can do I think of you And how your voice will crack And though it feels like an attack When your voice cracks Oh dear, what can you do? Your voice will crack and you’ll get the blues There’s not much that you can do

Heaven's Above

(Words of Love)

It won’t be long now ‘Til death overtakes me Now I’m eighty-three Heaven’s above you Whisper soft and true I’m coming home to you Nothing you can do Is gonna help me save From going to the grave Heaven’s above you Whisper soft and true I’m coming home to you

I Don't Want To Soil My Pants So I'll Go

(I Don't Want To Spoil The Party So I'll Go)

I don't wanna soil my pants now so I'll go I would hate my incontinence to show It’s leaking from my rear I wish it would disappear If it turns up while I'm here you’ll surely know I’m wearing my Poise Pants so I don't care There's nothing l can do I wear them ev'rywhere I wonder what went wrong, I've waited far too long But if have to fart I’ll follow through Though tonight I’m wearing Poise It’s not the same I can’t fart without a noise It’s not the same I don't wanna soil my pants now so I'll go I would hate my incontinence to show It’s leaking from my rear I wish it would disappear If it turns up while I'm here you’ll surely know Though tonight I’m wearing Poise It’s not the same I can’t fart without a noise It’s not the same I’m wearing my Poise Pants so I don't care There's nothing l can do I wear them ev'rywhere I wonder what went wrong, I've waited far too long But if have to fart I’ll follow through

Feables For Sale

 

 Feables For Sale

No Three Ply

(No Reply)

This came once as a shock When I had lowered my jocks No three ply And on this aging butt And deep within the rut I’ll use No other tissue I called the wife I called the wife It’s up that you must hop And go down to the shops Post haste There was nothing I could do My butt was streaked with doo No three ply I was waiting gratefully For you to walk in So patiently I nearly cried I nearly cried I never had a doubt That we would ever run out Of paper If I was her, I'd realize that I Am hoping that nothing goes awry If another brand she buys and I Yes I hope that she bring me home three ply She finally came home She thought she was alone No three ply 'Cause I know what she’s like Her mem'ries taken a hike Like before I simply cried I simply cried Because I’ll have to clean With this magazine In its place No three ply No three ply

I'm A Wowser

(I'm A Loser)

I'm a wowser I’m a wowser And it’s all that I appear be Everything annoys me now I’m eighty-three and playing on that party scene is not for me So if you have A party and you play too loud I’ll just call the fun police and have it shut down I'm a wowser That’s what happens when you’re eighty-three I’m a wowser And it’s all that I appear to be Although I laugh and I act like a clown Too much fun and I’m shutting you down Too much wine, or song you’ll hear from me What else can you do when you’re eighty-three. I'm a wowser That’s what happens when you’re eighty-three I'm a wowser And it’s all that I appear to be What have I done to deserve such a fate? I realize I have left it too late And so no matter how large or how small I'm warning you so that you won't lose all I'm a wowser That’s what happens when you’re eighty-three I'm a wowser And it’s all that I appear to be

Eight Meds a Day

(Eight Days a Week)

Ooh I need those drugs babe, Guess you know it's true. You know I need my drugs babe, To get a Pfizer hue Buspar, Xanax, Zoloft, Prozac Ain't got nothin' but drugs babe, Eight meds a day.. Need them ev'ry day girl, Always on my mind. One thing I can say girl, Need drugs all the time. Buspar, Xanax, Zoloft, Prozac Ain't got nothin' but drugs babe, Eight meds a day.. Eight meds a day I chug them. Eight meds a day You know how much I need them there. Ooh I need those drugs babe, ... Eight meds a day ... Need them ev'ry ... Eight meds a day, Eight meds a day, Eight meds a day

Elevator Muzak

(Rock and Roll Music)

Just let me hear some of that elevator muzak At my age, helps me snooze out And if you hear it, you won’t lose out It’ll never blow a fuse out All I want is elevator muzac Going up a lift with me Going up a lift with me I have no kick against AOR Unless they try to take it too damn far And change the beauty of the melody Until it sounds like a cacophony Just let me hear some of that elevator muzak At my age, helps me snooze out And if you hear it, you won’t lose out It’ll never blow a fuse out All I want is elevator muzak Going up a lift with me Going up a lift with me You know what that music really lacks And that’s the sound of a-whalin' sax I must admit they could use Kenny G. Man that would really fill my world with glee Just let me hear some of that elevator muzak At my age, helps me snooze out And if you hear it, you won’t lose out It’ll never blow a fuse out All I want is elevator muzak Going up a lift with me Going up a lift with me That muzak sounds just like a jubilee It really sets my spirits free And when I pushed the button for the thirteenth floor Then I heard Queen in a symphonic score Just let me hear some of that elevator muzak At my age, helps me snooze out And if you hear it, you won’t lose out It’ll never blow a fuse out All I want is elevator muzac Going up a lift with me Going up a lift with me I started to panic, I didn’t know what to do Then I heard Paul Mauriott ‘s ‘Love is Blue' It was so calming, I’ll give you the hunch It keeps me young and so in touch Just let me hear some of that elevator muzak At my age, helps me snooze out And if you hear it, you won’t lose out It’ll never blow a fuse out All I want is elevator muzak Going up a lift with me Going up a lift with me

Extracts From the Album Old Fart's Home

  

Extracts From The Album Old Fart's Home

No Time At All

(Anytime At All)

No time left at all, no time left at all There’s no time left at all, I’ve finally hit the wall I’m nearly dead Please don’t you worry my love Just look into my eyes I don t think I’ll make it alright If you're feeling sorry and sad I'd really sympathize Don't be sad, just think of me tonight No time left at all, no time left at all There’s no time left at all, I’ve finally hit the wall I’m nearly dead Now my life has faded away Don’t try to make a shrine It’s pointless you know it won't do I know you’ll need a shoulder to cry on Don’t worry, I’ll send a sign Call me tonight and I'll come to you No time left at all, no time left at all There’s no time left at all, I’ve finally hit the wall I’m nearly dead No time left at all, no time left at all There’s no time left at all, I’ve finally hit the wall I’m nearly dead There’s no time left at all, I’ve finally hit the wall I’m nearly dead

I'll Try Instead

(I'll Cry Instead)

I've got every reason on earth to be mad 'Cause this dementia has got me bad If I could just remember If it’s just July or just December But I can't, so I'll try instead You know senility has knocked me off my feet Now I can’t go out in the street If you could see me now I know it would make you sad somehow But you can't, so I'll try instead I always forget when there's people there I get shy when they start to stare I'm gonna hide myself away But I'll come back again someday And when I do don t go treating me like a fool ‘Cause with dementia there are no hardfast rules I never know what I’m gonna do And I never remember anything too Until then I'll try instead I always forget when there's people there I get shy when they start to stare I'm gonna hide myself away But I'll come back again someday And when I do don t go treating me like a fool ‘Cause with dementia there are no hardfast rules I never know what I’m gonna do And I never remember anything too Until then I'll try instead

Things Us Oldies Say

(Things We Said Today)

Don’t pull your face that way If the wind does change Your face will stay that way No way to rearrange No, don’t talk to strangers When you are so far away I hope you will remember Things us oldies say You do as I say now Not as I do, mind Don’t say a harsh word now If there’s nothing kind Better wear clean undies In case a car runs over along the way I hope you will remember Things us oldies say Leave it alone or you will find That kind of love will put hair on your palm And though we may go blind Love is here to stay and that's enough Don’t make me come in there When your father’s home It’s time to cut your hair We'll go on and on Better wear clean undies In case a car runs over along the way I hope you will remember Things us oldies say

If I Get Home

(When I Get Home)

Whoa, I Whoa, I I’m lost and I just don’t know the way To get back home Come on Help me please 'Cause I left home at nine and now it’s half past three I’m lost and I just don’t know the way Back home Whoa, I Whoa, I I’m lost and I just don’t know the way To get back home Come on If you please I suffer from senility I don’t know who's waiting home for me Tonight Whoa, I Whoa, I I’m lost and I just don’t know the way To get back home When I get'n home tonight I'm gonna hold her tight I'm gonna stay in and no more will I roam I’ll be leaving here no more Never walk out that door Again Come on Show me the way There were so many things I had to do today But I got lost and now I’ve gone astray This way Whoa, I Whoa, I I’m lost and I just don’t know the way To get back home Yeah! I’m lost and I just don’t know the way To get back home

  

EXTRACTS FROM THE FILM OLD FART'S HOME

I Should Have Known Better (At My Age)

(I Should Have Known Better)

I should have known better and at my age too That you can’t look at a girl who’s 22 And I do, hey, hey, hey, and I do Whoa, oh, I never realized what a kiss could be Especially when you’re 83 Can't you see, can't you see That when I tell you that I love you, oh You know I thought you swore, oh And when I ask you to be mine You're gonna say you love my money more So oh, I should realized a lot of things before If this is love you've got to spend so much more Spend some more, hey, hey, hey, spend some more Whoa, oh, I never realized what a kiss could be Especially when you’re 83 Can't you see, can't you see That when I tell you that I love you, oh You know I thought you swore, oh And when I ask you to be mine You're gonna say you love my money more Love my money, Love my money, Love my money  

If I Smell

(If I Fell)

If I smell too much for you Would you please just tell me true And tell me that you care Could I cover it with cologne Or would you leave me on my own It must be in my glands If I have to fart Near you I must be sure From the very start That you wouldn't leave me ‘cause of smell You know I trust in you So please don't run and hide You know I love you too So please don't hurt my pride ‘cause smell 'Cause I couldn't stand the pain And I would be sad If my new smell was so insane So I hope you see That I would love to love you And that I will cry ‘Cause I know that you smell too 'Cause I couldn't stand the pain And I would be sad If our new smell was so insane So I hope you see That I would love to love you And that I will cry ‘Cause I know that you smell too If I smell too much for you...

Tell Me Why (Because I Can't Remember)

(Tell Me Why)

Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems With dementia you know you can’t win That’s what they say down at the home And at night they always lock you in So you never can escape and roam Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems I can’t remember what i have said or done So for that I'll just apologize Just remind me so i can go on And I can tell the truth from lies Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems Well, I beg you on my bended knees If you'll only listen to my pleas (Is there anything I can do?) 'Cause I really can't stand it, I’ve got dementia too Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems Tell me why I cried, I forgot I sighed, it seems

And I Drug Her

(And I Love Her)

I give her all my love That's all I do Dementia holds my love Memory has gone too So I drug her She forgotten everything It’s senility The pity my lover brings She brings to me And I drug her A love like ours Could never die As long as I Have you near me By day she oft wanders All over the place And so I often ponder Can I keep pace And I drug her By day she oft wanders All over the place And So I often ponder Can I keep pace And I drug her

Long Tall Latte

  

Long Tall Latte

(Long Tall Sally)

Caught the Community bus Down to Donut King And when I got there I began to sing Oh, baby Yeah, now, baby Woo Baby Coffee ‘n' donuts today Went to Donut King Had a long, tall latte And two free senior donuts And in my mouth there was a party Oh, baby Yeah, now, baby Woo Baby Coffee ‘n' donuts today Well now long, tall lattes taste Pretty sweet They’ve got everything that I really need Oh, baby Yeah, now, baby Woo Baby Coffee ‘n' donuts today Well, we're gonna have some coffee today Have some donuts today Everything's okay Have some Coffee today Have some donuts today Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah We're gonna have some coffee today Have some donuts today Everything's okay Have some coffee today Have some coffee Some coffee today

I Call Your Name

(I Call Your Name)

I call your name but you can’t hear It’s such a shame something’s wrong with your ear Oh, you can’t hear at night Since it’s been gone You always tear at night You can't go on Don't you know I can't take it I don't know who can I’ll just have to fake it I'm only that kind of man Oh, you can’t hear at night Since it’s been gone You always tear at night You can't go on Don't you know I can't take it I don't know who can I’ll just have to fake it I'm only that kind of man Oh, I can't hear at night But just the same I never tear at night I call your name I call your name I call your name I call your name

Slow Down

(Slow Down)

Well, come on pretty baby, with your walking frame Come on, pretty baby, tell me what’s your game Come on pretty baby, have I half a chance Try and get some romance Slow down Baby, I love the way you’re shaking your ass You gotta give me little lovin' Give me little lovin' Aw! So no one can cut my grass. Well, do you remember me, baby after all Well you’ve got some pills for that But now you’re seeing the pharmacist down the street Baby, whatcha playing at? You better slow down Baby, I love the way you’re shaking your ass You gotta give me little lovin' Give me little lovin' Brrr, So no one can cut my grass Aw! Well, you know that I want you, tell the world I do Come on, pretty baby, I’ve got a pill so blue? I need your burden on me, oh, so bad The best little woman I ever had Slow down Baby, I love the way you’re shaking your ass You gotta give me little lovin' Give me little lovin' Aw! So no one can cut my grass Aw! Woo

How Did I Grow So Old

(Matchbox)

Well I'm sitting here wondering, how did I grow so old Yeah I'm sitting here wondering, how did I grow so old I lost my memory, and I still got a long way to go I'm an ol' poor boy and a long way from home I'm an ol' poor boy and a long way from home Guess I'll never be happy, everything I do is wrong, yeah Well I’m in a nursing home, no more will I roam Yeah, I’m in a nursing home, no more will I roam There’ll be no more roaming, ‘til the good Lord carries me home Yeah I'm sitting here wondering, how did I grow so old Yeah I'm sitting here wondering, how did I grow so old I lost my memory, got a long way to go Let 'er go boy, go-go